I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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