just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
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