Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Randomize
