u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Randomize
