As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Randomize
