I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
