K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Randomize
