I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
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