i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Randomize