he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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