im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
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