At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
