I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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