Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
