This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
