he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
