sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
