If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
