well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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