I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Text me some of your sweat
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize
