i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
