weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
