dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
