THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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