and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
