its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
