I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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