sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Randomize
