Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
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