my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Randomize
