"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Randomize