What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize