I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
