Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Pooping to opera.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize