my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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