you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Randomize