And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Randomize
