I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
PANTIES FOUND
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