i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
