captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Randomize
