Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
