the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
