His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
