I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
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