Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
