I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
