when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
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