Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
