Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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