i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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