I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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