I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
