So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
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