we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
