I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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