i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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