I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Randomize
