i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
