And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
