capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Randomize
