SEEEEXXX PLEASE
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
you didnt know i had herpes?
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Randomize
