Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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