i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
