So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
